oh, I don't have to carry this heavy thing?

My therapist once used the following analogy to describe the realization that we don't have to carry around all the lovely shit that was handed to us as kids:

It's like one day you stop and look at yourself and realize you have these large heavy chains draped over your shoulders and your dragging a gigantic heavy cement block through sand. You've been dragging the damn thing along your whole life and you all of a sudden realize you don't have to drag it anymore. At the time, it's like Duh! And there will be future needs for reminders. But, overall, drop the chains!!

I have enjoyed the process of dropping the chains...and future reminders have been needed. I still find it difficult at times to do things that are not reinforced by my family. To feel as if I've done something wrong, especially in the self care department.

Self care is not promoted within my family and if you practice it, you're fucking selfish. Add the pressure of sickness/death onto that and holy shit it can get awfully ugly. During my dad's first heart attack, my mom, brother and myself stayed in my dad's apartment while he was in the hospital, all of us at least a 1,000 miles away from our homes. Rather than go out to eat every night with my brother and mom, I chose to go to the grocery store and get myself some healthy food. While visiting my dad in the ICU, I went out for walks, called friends for additional support, and read books while sitting with him. My brother was sure that I was evil and was certain I didn't care for my family, only myself.

This past weekend, while I was home, I got some indirect slack. Through the art of "telephone" I heard from my mom's best friend's daughter the following information. From what I heard, my mom expressed that she wished I had been around the house more and that I should have stayed at their house so she could get some sleep (she's been up at night a lot worrying about and checking on my dad). I have not stayed at my parent's house in at least 3 years because they smoke and I literally develop a hellacious cold overnight when I sleep there. It sucks.

That last line, "it sucks". So, do I say, yea, it sucks, ya know what, buck up and stay at your parent's house and feel like shit, your mom needs rest? Where is the ever delicate line of self care versus sacrifice? What is sacrifice? What is love? Yea, I know, simple questions eh?

I've obtained this information through second and third hand knowledge. Do I check in with my mom about it? I know it has nothing to do with me. I want to listen to my mom. I want to support her. I want to be able to sort this stuff out and be a support for my mom. It's a work in progress.