green paper

Broke. I'm so broke I can't pay attention...I love that line.
It has taken me about 6 months to officially admit it, talk about it and acknowledge it:
I am not making enough money to live on. My daily expenses, the absolute, rock bottom, must haves (minus food actually) minimum of money I need to pay the bills each month is not being made.
Ahhhrrrrrrrrrr. Money. Shame. A shame sandwich topped with guilt, unworthiness and slathered with fear. Oh, and a side of heartburn and nausea--to go please.
Money woes go back as far as I can remember in my life. I was talking with Poopsie the other day about green paper. It donned on me that expecting myself to know how to handle money, to know how to pay bills and to generally keep a budget and live without asking for help would be similar to me attempting to fly a plane over the last 13 years without any instruction. The shame I have around that lack of knowledge and the monumental should I have around the fact that I should know how to handle money are astounding and blocking me from any forward movement.
I've been working on being easy on myself for a long time and that work is always in progress. The last couple of weeks have provided for a big shift in that work and I continue to drop the sledge hammer earlier and earlier and it feels good. I also think it feels foreign and there's a part of me that likes those hits and I'm retraining myself to live without the hits. Those hits reinforce that I suck and somewhere I have believed that I suck and that is changing more and more. Hallelujah!!...is that how you spell that? I don't think I've ever written that word in my entire life.
So, now that I'm being easy on myself...eh...em....yea, I'm still broke! I'm just living in happy poverty. That would be a great Hallmark card.

Happy Poverty!

Love,
Self