I've been going through quite a dry spell when it comes to my emotions. Actually, the drought seems to be hanging out in the verb form of my emotions...the part where they emote. I think it's fair to say my actual emotions, the nouns that is, have been a god damn guyser. How in the hell do you spell that word?

I'll be 32 in a couple of months. Starting at approximately 17, I started getting the sense, the feeling, the notion, the eery awareness that something happened to me when I was a kid. That awareness has stuck with me through the years, whispering here and there.

Over the years the whisper might speak up a tad here and there, but not much. Over the last 8 months or so the whisper has decided to start screaming its fucking head off at all hours of the day and night. Barking, pissing, moaning, screaming and crying and it's been quite terrifying really.

The memories, illusions, body memories, freak outs, panic attacks, awarenesses, visions, smells, tastes, pricklies, etc. are getting worse. I still sit here and quarrell with writing that I am struggling with memories of sexual abuse as a child b/c I don't know and I can't seem to write that unless I know...FOR SURE...that that is what it is.

My best analogy for what I am experiencing is that I have been handed a pocket knife, a picture of a ship and some granola. I'm attempting to lay these things down on a table and put them together like some sort of puzzle and I swear to god that what I'm experiencing is as baffling as what I have listed above. I have no idea what to do with what I'm being handed. As I write that I think to myself "start somewhere, start anywhere, just start".

Okay, here goes. Start.