$45,000

No no, I haven't skipped ahead to $45,000. Today I am supposed to spend $14,000, I'll do that later.

I've been busy creating my Curriculum Vitae for an upcoming speaking engagement and also for jobs I'm applying to. One of the jobs has a salary that tops out at $42,000 and the other tops out at $45,000.

I am realizing that it's almost overwhelming to think about making that much money. It's like it would be too much, too much!! Isn't that crazy!
Creating my CV has been interesting as well. The format I'm using really looks professional to me and puts my resume to shame. I'm noticing that it looks official and that I feel more official. It seems that I'm owning my masters for the first time and really taking stock of the amount of experience I have built up over the years. It feels silly to say but I'm looking at all my experience and actually thinking that the skills I'll bring to a job are worth $45,000. It's not that I am worth $45,000, but that my skills are worth that much...or maybe more. This starts to beg the question of what is $45,000? Oh the existentialnessnessness of it all


More on all of this later...

what do you think you are, a life coach or something?

Life coaches ask the darndest questions.
Damn you!
What is my overall vision in regards to work?
What do I WANT my worklife to look like?
The answers to these questions are simple of course...whateva!

My overall vision for work is fun and full of variety. I'll be at a desk minimally. There will be opportunities to walk around a lot, go outside now and then. After working midnights for 8 months I'm dying to work 8-5, just dying for it. Monday through Friday, weekends off and sacred. Consistency, consistency would be lovely. My current job requires an astounding amount of flexibility. I'd like the opportunity to be creative, to be independent in my work. I'd like the work to be full-time and low stress...I especially want this b/c I want to be able to fit teaching into the schedule. In my mind, I've got it set that I must have a full-time job with benni's and then I can have what I WANT on the side...it's not occuring to me that I can have my cake and eat it too. It seems that I don't even believe it possible to teach full-time, pay all my bills + save and have good benefits to boot. That seems about as possible as George Bush saying he loves gay people.
How will my overall vision, my WANTS every come to be if I don't even acknowledge their ability to exist? How do I ever expect myself to be good with money and to feel good about my finances if I continue to berate my abilities in that department? Oh Jesus, now I'm asking the darndest questions.
Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

Seven thousand and 00/100

No concept of how to spend big money, that's what I'm noticing. $7000 is a lot of money.
The last 7 days has been like watching a movie trailer go by. I seem to be able to step back and observe my thoughts and feelings about money without judging them. That's been nice. I've noticed that I don't generally think to share it very much. I told Poopsie about throwing a big chunk of the money towards a trip out west but upon further discussion I realized it hadn't even occurred to me to pay for both of our trips.
It's as if I've been suriving on necessity for such a long time that sharing doesn't even occur to me. For instance, when I go grocery shopping I get exactly what I need, no more, no less. The other day I came home and my roomate had a can of black beans out on the counter that I had bought. She was going to use them in a recipe. I bought those b/c they were on sale and I use them in a recipe. I don't plan on making the recipe anytime soon and there's plenty of time for them to be replaced...however the point is I bought one can and one can only and they're sacred.

$$ right now is the same way. I budget things right down to the picky little cent and it's a big deal when I don't get that $1 back at breakfast when I put in a $10 to cover my $7 breakfast + tip. I definitely feel some judgment towards this...hard up, pathetic, irresponsible.

Okay, okay, $7000.
I'd like to play around with being a philanthropist of sorts. The word sure is fun to say. I'd like to set a large lump of money aside, maybe for scholarships, in an account that will continue to mature and grow and therefore continue to feed itself and others. Let's do half, so $3500. I'll put it into an account that will grow and collect interest and it will go towards kids. In fact, I'll get real specific and put it towards high school girls in the town I grew up in...it will help fund new uniforms for girls' sports. No budget existed for that when I was in high school and we wore some pretty pathetic uniforms.

I'm looking up above and thinking to myself that I really don't know much about budgeting, if $3500 is a realistic and helpful amount, etc. I'm trying not to feel shame over my absolute lack of knowledge of money, how to budget it, what things really cost, the thought that goes into budgeting, etc. I'm clueless. I'm also aware that my words carry energy and I want to remember to say that yes, right now at 3:22 a.m. on Tuesday, September 19th I don't know all I want to know about money AND that's okay. because I'm good enough and smart enough and gosh darn it people like me...hehehe a little tribute to SNL.

$3500.
My familial background is German Amish. My dad's great great grandfather dropped out of the Amish religion. I am telling you this b/c I'm sitting here noticing that I don't have a whole lot of interest in buying things. Things don't necessarily interest me. If you look at my living space, it's pretty minimal regardless of what kind of income I'm bringing in. Music is probably my one big splurge. Lots-o-CDs. This last $3500 could go towards a car...I think I may have already spent $$ on a car in a recent $$ blog. Savings, donation, pay off bills. Hmmmmm. I seem to be thinking that it needs to be spent, that I need to spend it, I need to buy something ~ ANYTHING, it's burning a hole in my pocket, get it out, quick!!!!
I'm going to stick it in my pocket and go for a walk. I think I'll walk up to the first person I see on the street and hand them the money just to see the look on their face.

Whew! Thank God it's gone!

Overwhelmed with goodness

I went to a therapy session last Wednesday. I love my sessions, they reset my soul.
We spoke of many things, one of them being $$ and the power language has on my life.
Although I have no more money than I did when I walked into that session, I'm feeling good.
I feel I let go last week but I'm not sure what of, I just know I'm trying to relax a bit.
Since that session little sprouts have been peeking up...I'm just trying to sit back and make decisions as best I can.
I slept like total shit today, but it was from excitement. Lots-o-thoughts running through my head about different opportunities that are available right now. I do feel overwhelmed AND it's a good thing. I remind myself to sit back and breathe and self soothe and that feels good to know I have control over that.

$6000

Well, it's officially Monday morning, it's just really really early on Monday morning, as in 2:56 a.m. Therefore, it's officially a $6000 day. That's a lot of fuckin money my friends.

$6000. I'm feeling the need to just blow the whole wad...throw it all to a credit card. That'd be great. I'm finding myself a bit hesitant, like I'm cheating or that it's too easy...there's no growth in that. Well, ya know what...growth doesn't necessarily need to be this big drawn out experience full of learning and stretching and growing, sometimes ya just gotta do it.

So, $6000...throw it to the visa. Catch!!

$4000

Well, I'm a little behind on my spending.
For now, I'm skipping over $2 and $3000...if I get myself into the whole " gotta make up the days I've missed", I'll start to dread it and then I wont do it and yea, you know the rest I'm sure.

So $4000...

That's a lot of money. Now it's seeming a little more realistic to throw the whole thing at a $6500 debt, that would be a really nice hunk out of that big honking thing. It would be a nice down payment on a newer car. I could also get a lot of new clothes AND I hate to shop so I'd spend about $25 at the thrift shop and then want to be done!

hmmmm $4000. Savings keeps coming to me and that sure is a nice feeling. Let's throw a grand in there.
I'm noticing it's not yet occurring to me to give it to charity...it's a thought however it still hangs out in the "should" department.
I'm also noticing that I lean towards very small spending. I have $3000 left and I'm used to buying small things like food, a pack of gum, a cup of coffee, etc. I also notice the all-or-nothingness of my thoughts. I tend to attribute the whole $3000 to all gum or all coffee or all groceries, etc. For 31 years my world has remained small...I'm not using this word judgmentally, just noticing the tunnel vision like qualities of my world. Due to not having much money my surroundings have remained limited. These limited surroundings have come about through choices I've made and those choice generally originate from my core and that core has definitely come from a place where worth has not been viewed as good (at least not consistently). There are some very big shifts occurring in me at this time in my life and these shifts are transforming how I feel about my self-worth which in turn is changing how I see $$ (and many other things). Maybe as these shifts continue the blinders that have lead my decisions will continue to open farther and farther, or, holy cats hold onto yer pants kids, they may actually fall off.

Okay damn it, $3000 left.
I've got a trip coming up soon with Poopsie to London. It would be lovely to have some extra extra spending money for that trip. We'd like to frolick over to Germany while we're there as well as Ireland. I'm only going for about 10 days so I don't miss too much work, with extra money I could go a little longer. My airfare is paid for with frequent flier miles so I'm good there. I'll throw myself $1500 to go towards travel, lodging, all the amenities while I'm there.

Some other travel that I'd like to do is out west to see some wonderful friends. I'd like to take about 2 weeks off so we can take a train across the states, I think that would be beautiful. Train out there, plane back and fun in between...well shit, airfare in the states would cost me a good chunk + more unpaid time off work so I'll put my other $1500 towards that.

Spending large amounts of money is a little more difficult than I thought it would be.

$4000, done.

sweet

So, 1 day after my compassion towards people who BTFOOP got knocked one healthier notch towards center, I got a phone call.

It was the executive director of another shelter and she asked me to present at a state-wide conference on batterers. hehehehe

I was involved with this conference through my old job, they rented space in the back of our building and their headquarters were located there. The woman who runs the conference is wonderful. The woman that called me is a delight to work for and I feel good that my name came up. The only negative I can see at this point is that I'll have to interact with my old boss and he's just icky, just a classic ol' creep. I'll be just fine.

The workshop is a "tool-time"of sorts. It's a break out session within the conference that focuses on effective "tools" to use in groups when working with batterers...and this conference focuses specifically on males convicted of BTFOOP.

I am very thankful for the emotional meltdown I had the other day and I'm especially grateful that I am at a place in my life where I could roll with the feelings and really experience some deep growth. I think before Thursday I would have effectively presented tools that benefited the blah blah blah...I am aware now that I will present ideas that are more balanced and therefore more effective for facilitators, and ultimately more realistic help for those that BTFOOP. And, who knows, 2, 5, 10 years from now those ideas will probably continue to ebb and flow. Back to the original point...I'm thankful for the growth. It's helping professionally and it's also helping personally.

Fucking coward

Today I sat across from a woman who had been beaten. A lot.
It awoke in me anger that I thought had a pretty good cap on it. Not a cap sealed by avoidance or denial (at least not consciously anyway). I learned today that my upbringing, in regards to anger, bypassed rational thought or constructive eruption and went straight to physical explosion. I've alway been aware that I was taught to express anger in the form of physical rage, I just never officially realized what all was in the middle that I was missing.
Today my compassion for batterers was knocked down a notch. That was a surprise to me. I'm not sure it will be permanent, I just know where it is right here, right now.
Today, for the first time, I looked back at my old job and questioned the therapeutic compassion I had for them.
Right now, I can only see the weak, pathetic fucking scaredy cat cowards that they really are.
I find myself wanting to be the ever politically correct, proper, compassionate person that I've always been and make sure to put "people" first...ya know, "people" with disabilities, "men" convicted of domestic violence, etc. You would never hear me use the term "batterer" b/c it dismisses the person and reduces them to a label.
Batterers are fucking cowards with large fists. They are scared out of thier minds. Right now I can see them only as pathetic. When confronted, they simply dissolve into fear ridden little boys.
It's just too bad they have to create such a god damn mess on the way there.
Today is a day in which I choose to let go of understanding. Domestic Violence, what is that term anyway...it should just be referred to as beating the fuck out of people (BTFOOP rather than the watered down DV acronym). Anyway, Beating the Fuck Out of People is not something that can be thought about rationally. It is not rational. It's not logical. It's not something to be understood. It does not occur from the neck up, it festers below the neck and oozes out of various places.

Whew, I feel a lot better.

$1000

I'm starting an exercise today. My friend Sally told me about it.

The exercise starts today with $1000. I give myself $1000 (virtually of course) and I have to spend it in whatever way I see fit. Tomorrow I'll give myself $2000, the next day $3000 all the way through for one year until, on the last day, I have to spend 365,000.

I'm trying to forget about the angst I'm feeling over the 1 year commitment so that I can just get on with the exercise. How about I just focus on right here right now and not worry about how I'm going to spend $65,000, $98,000 and eventually $237,000. Hey, look at that, 2 lessons learned already and I haven't even officially begun. Woo Hoo!

Okay, $1000.00. I kinda feel like a contestant on the Wheel of Fortune...ya know...back in the 80's when they had to spend their prize money right there on the show. They would pan the camera across the room and spend $2500 on a full size black porcelain panther.

Okay, anyway...$1000.00.
I have debt ranging in the thousands and have considered sending the entire grand into one of those bills. Doing this seems like the first small chip in the concrete of a jail cell...I know in 20 years time I'll have a gaping hole picked at behind the Farrah Fawcett poster in which I can crawl out of but that first tiny chip seems VERY insignificant.

Hmmmmmm, I've been having money woes of late and I'm feeling the need to be down right irresponsible.

Cedar Point tickets for me and 5 friends...that's about $180.00.
We'll pile into a rental car, a larger one that can seat 6 and head on down. Even though I've got this grand I'm still wanting to split everything right down the middle with my 6 compadres so I'm thinking car rental, gas, parking would total about...$35.00 for my share.
Food and beverage for the day...$30.00
This leaves me with $755 to go.
I'm noticing that I got what I wanted which was a fun day with my friends. I'm also noticing that I'm feeling a bit tuckered...that I "blew my wad" so to speak...I got my immediate satisfaction out of the big spending and don't really have an interest in the rest of the money. I'd be fine with throwing it to charity--however--I'm also noticing that giving it to charity, giving it away, spending it on others etc. seems much more appealing than putting it into my savings, investing in something for my future or throwing the rest of it at a bill of mine.
Spending it on something externally makes much more sense to me and seems to come more naturally than using it beneficially for myself.
Spending it, key word "spending" it on something for myself that is tangible and concrete and immediate sounds fine. It even sounds okay to invest it as long as I could instantly see the results, kinda like a cd that matures within seconds. But investing it, putting it into savings and waiting for long term results seems very foreign to me.

That seems to link right up there with my chip in the ol' prison wall analogy up above. Hmmmm, how interesting.

Okay, $755.00. I'm going to go down to my bank and put $500 towards a long term cd (I know so little about money that I don't even know if the term "long term cd" is real but for the sanity of this exercise, it's real). The remaining $255.00 will be put into a plain jane savings account.

Total spent, $1000.00

Appreciation

I like journaling on the computer. I'm brand spankin' new to this blogging thing and I like it. The click-clacks of the keys are very satisfying.
I struggled a bit with the publicness of it, that ppl would be able to read my journaling. One thing I very much appreciate about life is the interaction with other human beings. My stuff bouncing off their stuff, interacting, being with another. How on earth would I be able to see my shit if it wasn't coming up against another's?
As for comments, whether from friends relating their experiences, throwing in their 2 cents or complete strangers wandering by, the basic discussion and banter that occurs between ppl makes me a happy camper...generally.
This evening I was speaking with Poopsie about some of the things I've been working on. We talk and share very openly and I appreciate that very much about our relationship. I expressed to her that I wanted to share my blog with her, but in a somewhat controlled manner. I wanted to share some of the things I've been writing about AND I didn't necessarily want to hand over free viewing of my journaling. We talked about all of that and decided that I would share what I wanted to share tonight, at 8:37 p.m. and if I wanted to share more tomorrow, or next week or next month, etc. that I would do that. If she was having the urge to view more, she would simply check in with me and see where I was with that.

What this brought up for me was the attempt at making current decisions without my past experiences clouding them too much. That fine line balance between making current decisions based on current events AND incorporating in some wisdom from previous experiences.

The past experiences that can sometimes hinder current decisions...with regard to my blog and public viewing...have to do with dad. Awwww dad. His name is Richard but he goes by Dick and I remember being 16 and using that name with shameless enthusiasm at times. :0)~

Poopsie is not my father. Not even close. I know that. I was very happy to have that open conversation with her tonight and to be able to express how I was feeling, brainstorm and discuss options and come to loving conclusions with her. I am so appreciative of her in so many ways. She is an incredible human being and I am blessed everyday to have her in my life. As I continue to develop love for my self it is scrumdiliumptuous to walk along next to her through life.

I'm 31. Still a pup yet old enough to start noticing some patterns. Old enough to have done things a few times and also notice what works and what doesn't. I'm almost to the point where I actually am looking at what doesn't work and realizing I can do it differently.
I guess this process I'm speaking of is life and living life and learning and wisdom, and yada yada yada...I also think I'm realizing that I'm not the only one who wishes I had it all figured out.
Lately I've been observing 2 phenomenons:
1. doing things not-so-repeatedly that cause me to feel good
2. doing things very-very-repeatedly that cause me to feel like shit

Let us focus on the shit, shall we?
Spending habits. I want to create an exercise in which I tape a 1, 5, 10, & 20 dollar bill to a poster board. There will be room around each bill where I can make notes of what I associate with each bill. I am going to do that this week.
In the meantime, as I think about my spending habits, I notice that I mostly spend my extra money (of which I actually have none, hence this topic) on things very-very-repeatedly that make me feel like shit.
The Grand Puba, Holy Grail, Whopper of all this frivolous spending is on food. Going out to eat with friends, zipping through somewhere for a quick b-fast/lunch/dinner, grabbing a snack, etc. For years I have beat myself down about my weight, food as a coping strategy, low self worth, etc. Although all of these things are factors that ultimately play an integral role in the topic, the underlying theme seems to be acting out some behavior that inevitably leaves me feeling like a lump-o-crapolla.
Food has been an easy one to focus on b/c it's the biggie that gets me feeling crappy. Ultimately though, it's even more so about spending my money on something, anything, that will reinforce the crappy feeling. The belief that I am worthless, that I do not make good decisions, that I am incapable of making it on my own, stupid, etc.

work calls...

green paper

Broke. I'm so broke I can't pay attention...I love that line.
It has taken me about 6 months to officially admit it, talk about it and acknowledge it:
I am not making enough money to live on. My daily expenses, the absolute, rock bottom, must haves (minus food actually) minimum of money I need to pay the bills each month is not being made.
Ahhhrrrrrrrrrr. Money. Shame. A shame sandwich topped with guilt, unworthiness and slathered with fear. Oh, and a side of heartburn and nausea--to go please.
Money woes go back as far as I can remember in my life. I was talking with Poopsie the other day about green paper. It donned on me that expecting myself to know how to handle money, to know how to pay bills and to generally keep a budget and live without asking for help would be similar to me attempting to fly a plane over the last 13 years without any instruction. The shame I have around that lack of knowledge and the monumental should I have around the fact that I should know how to handle money are astounding and blocking me from any forward movement.
I've been working on being easy on myself for a long time and that work is always in progress. The last couple of weeks have provided for a big shift in that work and I continue to drop the sledge hammer earlier and earlier and it feels good. I also think it feels foreign and there's a part of me that likes those hits and I'm retraining myself to live without the hits. Those hits reinforce that I suck and somewhere I have believed that I suck and that is changing more and more. Hallelujah!!...is that how you spell that? I don't think I've ever written that word in my entire life.
So, now that I'm being easy on myself...eh...em....yea, I'm still broke! I'm just living in happy poverty. That would be a great Hallmark card.

Happy Poverty!

Love,
Self

oh, I don't have to carry this heavy thing?

My therapist once used the following analogy to describe the realization that we don't have to carry around all the lovely shit that was handed to us as kids:

It's like one day you stop and look at yourself and realize you have these large heavy chains draped over your shoulders and your dragging a gigantic heavy cement block through sand. You've been dragging the damn thing along your whole life and you all of a sudden realize you don't have to drag it anymore. At the time, it's like Duh! And there will be future needs for reminders. But, overall, drop the chains!!

I have enjoyed the process of dropping the chains...and future reminders have been needed. I still find it difficult at times to do things that are not reinforced by my family. To feel as if I've done something wrong, especially in the self care department.

Self care is not promoted within my family and if you practice it, you're fucking selfish. Add the pressure of sickness/death onto that and holy shit it can get awfully ugly. During my dad's first heart attack, my mom, brother and myself stayed in my dad's apartment while he was in the hospital, all of us at least a 1,000 miles away from our homes. Rather than go out to eat every night with my brother and mom, I chose to go to the grocery store and get myself some healthy food. While visiting my dad in the ICU, I went out for walks, called friends for additional support, and read books while sitting with him. My brother was sure that I was evil and was certain I didn't care for my family, only myself.

This past weekend, while I was home, I got some indirect slack. Through the art of "telephone" I heard from my mom's best friend's daughter the following information. From what I heard, my mom expressed that she wished I had been around the house more and that I should have stayed at their house so she could get some sleep (she's been up at night a lot worrying about and checking on my dad). I have not stayed at my parent's house in at least 3 years because they smoke and I literally develop a hellacious cold overnight when I sleep there. It sucks.

That last line, "it sucks". So, do I say, yea, it sucks, ya know what, buck up and stay at your parent's house and feel like shit, your mom needs rest? Where is the ever delicate line of self care versus sacrifice? What is sacrifice? What is love? Yea, I know, simple questions eh?

I've obtained this information through second and third hand knowledge. Do I check in with my mom about it? I know it has nothing to do with me. I want to listen to my mom. I want to support her. I want to be able to sort this stuff out and be a support for my mom. It's a work in progress.

don't bite that hook

I spent 2 days with my parents this weekend. I also visited with family friends who have been around since I was at least 10.
I felt like a fish, swimming around in a large aquarium with all sorts of dazzling and scrumptious hooks hanging above my head. Old familial language and conversations mixed with people who can't seem to transition me out of the youngest sibling category seemed to make up most of the bait and fishers.
This weekend I learned a lot of things, but 2 things stick out the most:
1. A well balanced sense of humor can save me a lot of grief
2. If I don't let things roll off my back, I'll surely be one tired girl

Both of the above require balance, as most things do. I was brought up with most of life dripping with humor and sarcasm therefore feelings weren't really part of the daily menu. As part of growing up, I think I bit every hook thrown at me, rarely letting things roll off my back. This weekend I seemed to find balance for the both of these; I can't defend/block/correct/etc. every comment and I can't possibly take myself or the life around me as seriously as those around me did this weekend.

One of the most important improvements I feel has happened for me over the past 6-7 years is the art of not being hard on myself...dropping the ol' sledge hammer b/f mass amounts of damage are done. This weekend I learned that sledge hammer did not fall far from the tree and I watched both my mom and dad (and their friends) beat the hell out of themselves regularly. I'm not quite immune to this beating for myself just yet but I am able to notice significant improvements for myself. The bonus prize that comes from this growth, the extra credit, is that when people attempt to be hard on me and slather lots-o-guilt on top of me, if I'm not hard on myself, their slather slides right off and that's a great feeling.

My dad's health is definitely on the down hill slide. Another heart attack is inevitable regardless of changes he makes, all doctors say the damage is irreversible. He walked around the house this weekend with his 30 foot (not an exaggeration) oxygen hose attached to the compressor, at least I always knew where to find him. The only time I couldn't find him was when the oxygen tube thingys were hanging on the dining room chair so he could go out back and have a cigarette.

Side note to self: At some point my friend, we're going to have to get in touch with the anger we feel towards dad and them cigarettes. End note.

Being - as a "verb"

My dad is sick, very sick. I talked with my mom this past Wednesday and she spilled all the details.
My dad had a heart attack about 3 months ago. It was his 2nd one, the first happened about 1 1/2 yrs. ago. After the first one, the doctors told him his statistics, his chances, and told him about the changes needed in order to not become those statistics. He has made no changes, absolutely none. This 2nd heart attack was an eye opener for me. It showed me what healing I had done from the 1st one but it also showed me what healing had yet to be done. I have noticed that I have kept my distance over the last 3 months and I notice that I am very scared.
My dad has always worked very very hard. He would wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning and if he couldn't get back to sleep, he'd go to work. Rarely was he home before 7 p.m. I've always experienced him as hard working and able. When I got news about his first heart attack and went to see him in the ICU, what seemed to knock me flat on my ass was seeing my father lying down, flat on his back, pale. He could not sit up, he could not get his breath, he was no longer "able" as he always had been. He was no longer Super Dad...I know, I know, at some point our parents get knocked off that pedestal we put them on, it doesn't mean I was ready for it.
When mom and I talked this past week, the details she shared painted a picture of my dad's deterioration. Neither of them have been sharing much about the real details of what's been going. They have been traveling and seeing some family, it seems they've been trying to uphold that normalcy. I don't think that's working anymore.
My dad cannot breath on his own. He must have oxygen. He can't walk from their kitchen to their dining room (about 5 steps) without losing all his wind. He doesn't sleep more than 2 hours at night and cannot sleep in a bed b/c he can't breath. When he is unable to get his breath, he goes into panic attacks to the point of wetting his pants.
I want to change this for him. I want to make it better. I also know I can't. I don't want to watch my father die. I also know that's not possible either...well, I guess it is however it's not the option I'll take.
I've been absent for 3 months...mentally anyway. I'm always trying to trust that damn process and know that I am where I am for a good reason. Maybe the last 3 months has been me prepping me for being with my father as he goes through all of this. I am thankful that in the time that my self has been prepping my self that he is still on this earth. I'm going home this weekend and I am hopeful that I can be real, be myself and simply be with my father as he is.